15.39

I fucking miss you. And I love you so fucking much. You never feel that much more distant from me, in a funny way. But talking to you means the world to me.

But I've learned now that I'd wait for you even if I never get to talk to you again. It's true.

"...sometimes you have to let yourself thoroughly enjoy a bowl of mango sherbet and some of the best memories you could ever remember"

Every moment I think about you, I can feel more and more negative feelings being changed into something truly wonderful. Please, don't ever forget this. Even if you've moved on someday and found a different life for yourself, don't ever forget the wonderful bond we had together. But honestly, I hope we can stick together and help each other make this _____ world just a little less so. You and me vs. the world.

EDIT: I just can't stop adding to these, can I? I read through our old emails... God, these get me every time. No matter how uncertain I am about anything, I can read your emails and know for sure that you love me. And I hope I've given you enough for you to know the same. I noticed, though, there was an email I never got around to answering. so here's the answer!

When I went to bed the first night, I felt kind of awkward about our goodbye. It seemed like so much was missing from it. But I felt good, because I was SO looking forward to having you stay with me. Seriously, the Christmas before that one was... awful, and I was so glad to have you around to celebrate with me. Also, I was nervous that you didn't like kill bill.

When we cuddled for the first time, again, I felt nervous that you'd think we went too far or something like that. but you giving me a massage was fantastic, and sittting by the lake with you made me feel like it was okay. Really okay.

When you said you loved me too, yes. I believed you. I really did. That was silly of me, in retrospect, to believe you like that, and was a good way to hurt, but knowing what I know now... I guess I was right to believe you.

I still get hung up sometimes on the stupidest things. Like that post you wrote so long ago that you sent to me, from before you even came, when you used the terms "jigsaw puzzle" and everything with us falling in love, and it ends with us not being in love anymore. It scares me that it was accurate up till now, and I tell myself so often that we could never really be without one another, but. I don't know. I know I'll never stop loving you, and that's as much as I can promise to anyone.

I love you, I love you, I love you.