I toyed with the idea of bringing Banquo to Edinburgh but I was afraid of him getting lost or damaged somehow, so I left him on my desk. He'll be waiting for when I get back.

I know it almost brought you to tears when that dick made you jump up and down and say " I love Nick," but it makes me feel so close to you when I think about the little heart inside that giraffe. That's the best kind of present, I think.

Finally a post without the freakin numbers.

I can't pretend like it didn't suck to not be able to talk to you. It sucked really hard, but I'm so glad you got an opportunity like that.

If your cell dies, you can call me from any phone at my cell number after 8 your time. I love you so much.

1.24

It hasn't sunk in that I leave so soon. It hasn't sunk in that I'm gonna spend so much time in a foreign country... all I can think about is you coming home. I think when you're finally back and we're finally all caught up I'll be ready to realize that I'm leaving. I'm so sorry I have to leave you just when you're back, but we'll talk, I promise... we'll talk all the time. I'll have internet, I'll have my phone, we'll be in touch all the time.

I love you, baby girl. I love you so fucking much.

Welcome home. Take a deep breath. You're home.

2!.25

Oh gosh, it's so close that you come home now... I have Sunday all planned out so that I'll get to catch up with you for as long as our hearts desire. Just thinking about getting to hear your voice again, not having to worry about time constraints, just talking to you and saying I love you again... ah, it makes me melt. I was thinking about you during rehearsal today. A lot.

I let my mind wander off and of course it found you, and while thinking about you, I thought I heard my mom said "where's her dad?" and I answered "oh, I don't know," to which she said "you don't know where your bag is?" I realized that she said "where's your bag," and I realized just how caught up in my daydreams I was...

I love you, Midori. It makes me feel so good to say it. I can't believe how soon I see you... Edinburgh will go by so fast. It seems like so long that I've been waiting (seems like? has been) for that day, and now it's so close... it's almost overwhelming. But I'm so excited. So, so excited. I hope it doesn't go by too fast. I hope so many things. I need to stop, and just let it happen as it will.

God, I can't wait. But just having you to talk to will make a world of difference. Love.

3.26

So close to talking to you again... I've been counting down the days (though I think you've noticed by now, haha.) I love you, dear.

5.29

You were right about what you said all that time ago. It doesn't matter what happens. We belong.

EDIT 2.30 am, 11.30 am your time: I can tell when something's wrong, even if you're in Africa, even if we haven't talked in days. I can tell.

6.30

Try not to go broke trying to get in touch with me, darling. I do love to hear from you, but, I don't want you to sacrifice where it isn't necessary.

I just finished my final Harry Potter... a sad event in my life to be sure, but I know it's something I'll get to share with my kids someday, and, much sooner, with you! I really can't wait till you read it. I know you'll find it trite at times but I'm sure entertaining and I have no doubt you'll take something away from it, as well.

I love you so much. I know I say it in every communication, but I can never say it enough. I always will, and I guess it feels like I always have.

Forever.

7.31

Thank you so much for the phone call. That five minutes meant the world to me, I mean it. I hate to say it, but I missed you so fucking much, and it hurts so fucking badly to have you away from me. Even working six days a week from 9 to 9 and playing videogames or reading Harry Potter in the offtime can't remedy it. I hate to say I need anyone, but I feel so different without you, even with my friends around. But even thinking about you saying "I love you" makes me feel so much warmer, better. I wish your friends weren't around when you called, I guess, but. I wish a few things more than that particular wish, so hey.

I hope you'll get a chance to email again. I love you, Midori.

8.32

My director complimented my acting today, and I learned that our performance will be for sure taped in Edinburgh. Yay!

I hope you're doing well there. Whether or not you are, I know you're doing good, and I'm so proud of you for it. You always make me so proud of you.

Ellie's sweet 16 was today, and Adam didn't show, terrified of awkwardness since they broke up. I think that was uncool of him, but what can you do. Anyway, it was somewhat fun. And I got my Harry Potter today! Hurray! But all I can think about is sharing all these wonderful moments with you. Even the tiny things in my life seem like they'd be made so much sweeter with your heavenly presence.

I love you so much, Midori. I hope you never forget it.

11.35

Someone said today that I talk about you a lot. I realized, finally, that I haven't been able to stop talking about you since you left... It eases my mind I guess.

I love you so fucking much. I'd be lying if I said the longing & lacking didn't get to me sometimes. But I'll wait patiently, even if I didn't know if you'd ever come back. I'd wait for as long as it takes.

Rehearsals are still going well. Absorbing my life as usual. Harry Potter 7 was leaked today... I'm tempted to read it just so it won't be spoiled for me, but at the same time, I want to read it properly too.

12.36

I'm rereading Harry Potter 6 in preparation for the last one, and sometimes, I feel like there's nothing I wouldn't do to be able to apparate. It feels like it's been forever since I've been able to say "I love you" and hear you say it in return. Muttering it into my pillow before bed, or sending you little thoughts when I'm drifting off to sleep... it doesn't feel the same. I always find myself thinking about you. It seems like everything in the world leads my mind right back to you... sometimes I'll even read the word "circles" and realize how much I miss you.

No me olvides, mi alba.

13.37

I can't ever, ever be angry at you. I'll just keep saying it until you believe. I love you.

14.38

My mom said she got a call at 4.30 last night and that it was a hang up, and she said "I wonder if it was Midori from Africa." I hope it wasn't... I can see you realizing what time it is here and freaking out and hanging up. I told my mom that if she got a call at a weird time, it'd be you, and that it'd be okay to wake me up to answer it. She said she wouldn't have minded if it were you...

I hope I get to talk to you somehow. I love you.

15.39

I fucking miss you. And I love you so fucking much. You never feel that much more distant from me, in a funny way. But talking to you means the world to me.

But I've learned now that I'd wait for you even if I never get to talk to you again. It's true.

"...sometimes you have to let yourself thoroughly enjoy a bowl of mango sherbet and some of the best memories you could ever remember"

Every moment I think about you, I can feel more and more negative feelings being changed into something truly wonderful. Please, don't ever forget this. Even if you've moved on someday and found a different life for yourself, don't ever forget the wonderful bond we had together. But honestly, I hope we can stick together and help each other make this _____ world just a little less so. You and me vs. the world.

EDIT: I just can't stop adding to these, can I? I read through our old emails... God, these get me every time. No matter how uncertain I am about anything, I can read your emails and know for sure that you love me. And I hope I've given you enough for you to know the same. I noticed, though, there was an email I never got around to answering. so here's the answer!

When I went to bed the first night, I felt kind of awkward about our goodbye. It seemed like so much was missing from it. But I felt good, because I was SO looking forward to having you stay with me. Seriously, the Christmas before that one was... awful, and I was so glad to have you around to celebrate with me. Also, I was nervous that you didn't like kill bill.

When we cuddled for the first time, again, I felt nervous that you'd think we went too far or something like that. but you giving me a massage was fantastic, and sittting by the lake with you made me feel like it was okay. Really okay.

When you said you loved me too, yes. I believed you. I really did. That was silly of me, in retrospect, to believe you like that, and was a good way to hurt, but knowing what I know now... I guess I was right to believe you.

I still get hung up sometimes on the stupidest things. Like that post you wrote so long ago that you sent to me, from before you even came, when you used the terms "jigsaw puzzle" and everything with us falling in love, and it ends with us not being in love anymore. It scares me that it was accurate up till now, and I tell myself so often that we could never really be without one another, but. I don't know. I know I'll never stop loving you, and that's as much as I can promise to anyone.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

16.40

I'm sorry I didn't get to hear from you again before you left. It's tough not having you around to talk to. Rehearsals are going well, hard as they are. They're still fun though, and an Irish accent is getting easier and easier to do.

I miss you. I keep telling myself you're fine despite how you sounded in your last email, and it works. I have this site in my quickbar with the local time in Malawi. Makes me feel a bit closer to you. I just woke up from a nap where I dreamed about us together, playing around with stuff in my room... I can't wait until we can really do that. I swear, you make the world a whole new place for me. I can never tell you how much I love you for that.

This is just a quick post so you'll have time to shoot off an email. (selfish of me, I know). You sounded so formal in your email. You sounded like me when I'm writing an essay. First time I've ever gotten something from you without an "I love you." But I know you just forgot somehow. And I love you. So, so much.

I read your letters another time and teared up. I know you said never to forget how much you love me, but sometimes it's nice to have a reminder. You mean everything to me.

EDIT: I just looked up the lyrics of the songs you told me to post. ...is everything okay, baby?

Don't leave without saying "i love you," alright?

21.45

Ah! An email from you! Oh gosh, my heart almost jumped out of my chest, I swear... As little as I got to hear, I'm glad to know you love me. Next time, fill me in on stuff, eh? Even if it's just "everything is good here." I want to know what you're up too, baby.

And of course, I love you, too!

After reading that email a few times more, I'm here at the end of the day right before rehearsals start. It's going to be hectic and stressful, but honestly, you couldn't have picked a better time to go to Africa for me since I won't have much of a life for the next four weeks. I'll let you know how the first day goes tomorrow.

22.46

Hey you.

I hate to tell you this way, but oh well. Anyway, in the interest of full disclosure, I hooked up with Serena last night. It wasn't anything big and there's (surprisingly?) no drama surrounding it, but yeah. I only wanted to tell you because... well, you're my best friend. It actually made me miss you more, so, maybe not the brilliant idea I thought it was.

In better news, though, I saw a friend of the family today, Lory. She's the nicest person... The world needs more people like her. Really. And, I'm seeing the Decemberists tonight! Excited! It should be a lot of fun, and, knowing me, I'll be updating this with details later, so I'll leave it here for now. I love you so much, baby.

EDIT: Aw, the Decemberists were awesome! And there were a LOT of kids from H-W there. Like, a lot. I'm a bit disappointed about rehearsals starting soon, and I still wish sometimes that I had done language stuff instead, this summer. But hey, you do what you do.

I find myself wondering sometimes what you're doing. It's hard to get you off my mind, but I know you're really doing something wonderful, and that makes me feel so happy. Happy enough to write these journal entries every day. You mean everything to me.

23.47

I just today realized that, for my whole life, I've had everything. Money, smarts, everything, but that I was never /really/ happy until I fell in love with you.

But for now, my chest still tightens thinking about (I know, I know...) you being out in the real real world. I know you're smart, and I know you're safe. And I know you can take care of yourself. But for me, it's like having everything you own and hold dear in the middle of a warzone, and thinking "oh don't worry, the box it's all in is bulletbroof." But I know you'll be okay.

But, writing here puts me at peace. Every time.

EDIT: ...okay, so embarrassing, but my dad went to go see John today and I asked him to ask about your trip. Anyway, John said you'd landed in Africa and that you were with a student group of some sort with kids he liked, and he said we'd meet each other in LA after "all of our travels." So I feel good. I love you.

----------------------------------------
Fenn Armouren fegerssen ferone, falss!

"en seqi feron in unquoit kunsteit asetta en syndqui aeiten afenda."

sen leoffe, aleyeia. amor in alterspeik saje, ab dess speik eun fasziniere.

24.48
Bomb threat at work today. Someone put a sign that said "IMPEACH" outside and some guy called and threatened to bomb the place. He left his name and phone number, though, so whatever. We're fine and everything is fine.

I watched your video about eight more times. And yeah, I have your letters memorized already. Thank you so much for sending me all of those.

You're officially in Africa by now, I know that. And you're probably getting acquainted with your living conditions and everything... man, I hope you're having fun. I love you so, so much. My parents were just talking recently about us doing something together, and how they think that'd be so much fun. They definitely are all-go on the idea of me traveling with you anywhere. My mom's been hinting that I date you. Little does she know I'm madly in love with you already.

25.49

Fourth of July today! I went to go see fireworks with my friends. This one kid's such a dick, I just realized. He says dick-ish things all the time. But no matter. I met this cool kid Julia who's learning Japanese and who plays RPGs. We talked about pokemon for a while. I love meeting new kids!

I miss you. It's different not having you around. You're such a wonderful dose of sunshine. I can never truly tell you how much better you make my life, but even having your memory makes something somehow better. If I (god forbid) had your memory completely erased when I woke up tomorrow, I wouldn't be as happy as I am now, missing you.

I hope you're having fun. I just can't help but worry about you, but I trust that you'll be safe. I just hope that you're eating enough, not geting strange diseases... all of that. I love you so fucking much, I wouldn't worry about this with anyone else. I hope you had fun in London, too. I'm sure you did; it's a you kind of place.

Okay, this is turning into a ramble. I hope you know this'll be continued in pen and ink when I get to Edinburgh, so don't think you'll be safe. Cuz you won't be. Ever.

...creepy! Okay, for real ending this now.

All my love.

--Nick

EDIT//12.40: 27 new pictures of you on Facebook! Anyway, about half way through them I realize how ridiculous it is how deeply in love with you I am.

Souhaite que tes mots m'amènent plus près:
souhaite qu'ils forment un pont à ton île mais
cette magie est à moi comme le calcul, et si
te donne ma magie plus simple.
Désolé que ceci est le mieux que peux faire.

"et ignotas animum dimittit in artes naturamque nouat."
--------------
La desconocida en la luz de la luna
hace su danza por los arboles y
con su elegancia la gravedad la misma
se adjusta para asegurar que no falte
mientras sone su musica silenciosa
a treves del universo y la cambia.